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I shed heaps of weight, grew a fleeting six-pack, even becoming something of a clothes horse. This I call my Kate Moss Period. New York, where I moved to in , offered another chance to fully inhabit my gay identity. And for once, I gave it a red hot go. Battling depression, I sought out a gay therapist who spotted my self-loathing from five city blocks away.

As treatment, she suggested I do something proactively each week to engage with the gay community.

I went on a gay-themed walking tour of Central Park one Saturday morning; attended screenings at queer film festivals; joined a gay men's therapy group; dragged myself to LGBT-only AA meetings. I spent more and more time in New York's gay Mecca, the West Village, as if osmosis might do the trick.

I even booked a holiday in Madrid to coincide with its Pride celebrations, where my now-depleted abs might have come in handy. So I slowly got better at being gay, but I'm still pretty bad at it. Despite a liberal upbringing, I had somehow imbibed a perniciously negative view about homosexuality that I struggle to shake. But I haven't entirely given up. I volunteered at Wellington's Pride March last year, and hope to again.

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Since coming home, I've forged a handful of friendships with fellow gays, something that had eluded me to date. All is not lost. Indeed, who knows? Perhaps my long-sought Rainbow Period lies ahead. I'm no good at being gay, but I'm still trying.

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• Dr Cheryl Ware - The University of Auckland.
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